Mea Culpa

For all my fans who have eagerly awaited my daily posts, I apologize for neglecting this important work for four days.  No excuses, but certainly it is not for lack of topics on which to write.  This morning while on the treadmill--which I have learned to love in this summer of much rain--I was thinking of my friend and pastor, Fr. Fred, who recently had surgery on his ankle.  I think he has been in pain with this thing for quite a few years, and after battling with his insurance company, finally got the surgery he needed.  I believe they fused his ankle bones in some way, which sounds like the short term with this could be quite challenging, but ultimately will give him relief and will enable him to walk longer distances and be able to stand for longer periods of time.  I honestly don't know, but my prayers are with him for healing.

My ankles are fine, they are beautiful, they work well, and honestly, while I sometimes have hip pain, back pain, knee pain, my ankles are miracuously pain free.  I intend to keep them that way, which is why I was on the treadmill this morning.

For what seems like an eternity I have struggled with excess weight.  It seemed to begin with my first pregnancy where I gained 50 pounds and lost about 40 of that until my next pregnancy, where I only gained 40 pounds, but lost 30, and you can see where this is going....  My "baby" is 14 years old but my weight has actually increased over the course of her lifetime.  What is miraculous is that I am still relatively fit, able to walk comfortably at a 4mph pace, lift light weights repeatedly without pain, and do at least a few crunches.  Okay, it's a beginning, one I have made too many times to count.

As I stated when I began this blog, my intention was to seek leanness of body, and I have begun that in earnest again.  Going public with this is a bit scary, but not too, as I don't think anyone is reading these posts anyway.  Still, if you think I am going to post my "beginning" weight, you're out of your mind, because numbers are just that.  They carry no real "weight" however they can become huge stumbling blocks in an attempt to become healthy.   At this point in my life, health is more of an issue, not because I have any real health challenges (although I would not know it since I haven't been to a doctor in 13 years--no health insurance) but precisely because I don't want any. 

Back to the treadmill...I am so grateful to have a body that has served me so well for 52+ years, a body that bore and nourished 5 amazingly healthy children from their conception to well into their second year of life.  I have a few stretch marks, 3 Cesarean scars across my lower abdomen and all the strange things that appear as the years pass.  This is all so miraculous and amazing that I often wonder why I couldn't keep this in mind as I was eating what I did not really desire, when what I desired could not be ascertained quickly enough to prevent that.

It is fashionable in this country where half the adult population (and the kids too increasingly) are overweight or obese, to blame fast food, fast paced lifestyles, anything but ourselves.  We go after the demons of agri-business, the purveyors of tasty and fat-laden fare, our eating companions, our unhappy lives, our genetics, our cave man propensity for feasting and famine, anything but ourselves.  Or worse, if we do go after ourselves we do it with such deep self-loathing that we mire ourselves in hopelessness and despair. 

ENOUGH!  Maybe this is a word those of us who struggle with weight or any overindulgence issue should tattoo in our brains, repeat it as mantra, engrave it on the hands of our God so that when we seek Him we will see that all that we have been given is ENOUGH!  Perhaps the trouble is that we do not seek Him nearly as often as we should when the temptation to abuse these bodies He has so graciously given to us.  The why of that is perhaps the most elusive thing, especially for one who believes to the depths of my soul that the only true satisfaction in life is loving well, and loving well first and foremost the One who IS love.  I am tempted to say it is a certain lack of faith that keeps me believing this is all too trivial for the immensity of God, but ironically, just as I was about to write that, my ipod began playing "Faith Like a Child" by Jars of Clay (the live version where the audience sings that line!) 

Amazing!

I began a novel a few years ago with this elusive search for peace with food as its main topic.  I intend to continue, and when I appear on the Colbert Report--significantly thinner than I am today--to promote it you will all wish you had read my blog!